I am totally consumed with internal conflict these days.....Despite the hectic life I live with my husband, and young children (Brynlee 2 1/2, Brielle 3 months), and despite the lack of sleep and daily challenges, I am unable to stop thinking about the fact that I should be finished having children (numerous reasons), but i am unable to stop thinking about having another. My mind goes and goes and goes.. "I think I want another one," I can't believe that I may never feel a life inside myself again," "I want to experience that feeling of pure bliss, when your baby is placed in your arms for the first time, and you finally get to see her sweet face! Ah... the best feelings in the world all combined into one fantastic, incredible moment! Relief the labour is over, pride for getting through it and doing it naturally, ease that she is healthy, bliss listening to the sweet sound of her first cries, the joy of looking into eachothers eyes for the first time, that undescribable feeling that a miricle has happened, you are very blesse. This little angel looking at you knows nothing about this world, but she does know one thing.. that you are her mother, her everything. It is that feeling right there that I cannot let go of. I wish I could feel that 10 more times. The time of unconditional love, when baby only has eyes for her mommy, I find to be the main reason I cannot sleep at night. I want it again, at least one more time, don't I?
I intend to use this blog as a reminder to myself of the many reasons that I should be content with my family size the way it is now.
1. I have had 2 easy conceptions, 2 healthy pregnancies, 2 relatively easy labours 2 healthy girls!
2. Hubby feels that we should stick with two. Doesn't want to be an older Dad (age 35 now) worries about his health as a type 1 diabetic, wants to see his kids grow up, and be young enough to do all the fun stuff.
3. Kids are expensive. We can afford 2 kids no problem. We would be able to travel, have extras like snow mobiles, quads, nice vehicles, a boat..
4. I can go back to school in a few years, fullfill career goals
5. Wouldn't have to go through the really challenging times over again for a 3rd time. (night feedings, crying, crying and more crying, sleeping on the couch, post partum pain, lack of sex, or lack or normal intimacy with your partner, being pregnant for 41 weeks, induring backpain, stretch marks, morning/evening sickness, acid reflux and getting fat! Losing weight post partum, pumping breastmilk, making baby food, worrying about SIDS, heavy infant car seats, driving with a crying baby, diapers, fighting to get them to nap, fighting to get them to go to bed
6. I could divide my time between 2 girls and a husband, I think, but a third?
(When the kids are older and in activities, have homework they need help with, have new friends I don't like, 2 girls is enough to worry about don't you think?) I want to have a close bond with my kids, i want them to always know that I have time to listen to them, and spend time with them.
7. It is more likely to find time for myself with 2 kids then with 3, and time to myself i have learned is importnant for my sanity, and patience level.
8. The best thing you can do for your kids is provide a happy home, and a happy home includes a happy marriage. I need to pay equal attention to my relationship with my husband. With our 2 girls currently, it is difficult to find a moment to ourselves, we often just play pass the baby. If we stick with 2 kids, we will have more time together sooner, and more often then if I were to have another
9. My babies don't sleep! Constant exhaustion, and implimenting solutions, to know avail. Nothing ever works, my kids just don't like to sleep!
10. I can sell all the clothes i have, infant and maternity!
11. finally, i can focus my attention on the beautiful family i have, be gratefull for my blessings, and focus my attention on what i have already been blessed with, and stop thinking my family is not complete, because it is, there is so much love in my life already
The funny thing about all this is that it doesn't take much for me to spilt all this out, and yet, i still can't say for sure that my family is complete. Of course my baby is smiling at me right now. It must be in our genetic make up to yearn for more kids despite the challenges they bring, otherwise we'd never have more.
I do know done thing for sure, I am delighted everyday to wake up to my wonderful husband, and the 2 little miricles our love has created.
